Target’s relentless push to get everyone in their stores to get a Target Visa card. Look, brand loyalty is one thing, and I’m all for trying to promote that. Hell, Target’s much higher on the list of places I’d want to shop than shitholes like Wal-Mart. But at least Wal-Mart only promotes their credit card by putting applications at the checkout lanes and hanging a sign over the door. (After all, who needs a credit card when you can buy a gallon jar of pickles for 2 dollars, right?) Credit debt is such a huge problem in this country that debt counseling is it’s own fucking industry now. Yet Target’s hellbent on getting more cards in people’s wallets. I used to work there, and thank god I worked in the back because I know how hard they push sales floor associates to try to sign people up for that shit. I had my own stack of problems to deal with in the back, but that’s another rant for another day.

And what I really want to know is why the hell I bought a soda and a box of toothpaste (total purchase: 3 bucks) and I was asked if I wanted to save 10% on the purchase. WTF? Why do I want to get a line of credit just so I can save 30 cents at the checkout stand? Come on now, don’t be stupid.

Tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist jackasses. Ok guys, just what the hell is your problem? You think the thought police are everywhere to make sure you aren’t thinking things you shouldn’t? What I want to know is – who the fuck cares about your stupidass bedtime stories?! Seriously.

So let me ask. Did the government install any cameras in your home for any reason other than doing something to make the FBI take notice and get permission from a judge to bug your house? Do you have to go to Two Minutes Hate sessions? Am I communicating to you in Newspeak? Is the entire media funneled into one outlet that’s run by the state?

No, no, no, and no. And you know why? Because the government is not trying to control you. The government is not watching you because you are an insignificant, unimportant, self-centered jackass who doesn’t pose a threat to anyone or anything. They have more important shit to do right now, like keep these idiots like Osama Bin Laden and his gang of dirty nightshirt-wearing motherfuckers – who, unlike you, have actually shown themselves to be a danger to this country – from taking down buildings on American soil just because we aren’t all Muslims.

And while I’m thinking about it, stop bitching about cameras being installed on stoplights. We call the outside world “public” for a reason – because it’s not private, and you are not entitled to privacy there. Having that camera sitting there is no different from having a police officer sitting on the other side of the intersection watching for speeders, drunks, and idiots who run red lights. Except now you get your ticket in a week instead of on the spot, and the cops are free to respond to things that are actually important – unlike you. Get over yourself and you’ll sleep a lot better at night.

What’s funny is that by holding this position I’m labeled by these morons as a citizen who was ‘re-educated’ by the government, or at the very least blinded by all the government’s lies and cover-ups. Guess what – it’s as American to dress up in a Storm Trooper uniform at a Star Wars premiere as it is to laugh at dorks who do that. So while you’re watching over your shoulders for Big Brother, I’m taking a ride in the ROFL Copter. Good luck with your resistance against the machine, asshats.